Second Chances

Tonight my baby girl is having trouble sleeping.  She has actually been struggling with this for a while but tonight I believe it is because her ear is hurting AND she is about to cut her third tooth.  She also has issues with peeing too much and getting her jammies wet - LOL!  So, since putting her down I've been working on a massive decluttering project in the room next to her while diligently keeping an ear to the monitor.

An hour or so ago I heard some cries.  I stopped what I was doing, went to the bathroom to wash my hands and quickly swooped in to see what was the matter.  Baby girl was all wet, down to her jammies as usual so I made haste to get her changed and all dry so that we could get back to the matter of sleep.  She was none too happy about the interruption to her sleep but it wasn't too long before she was snuggled up on my chest ready to head back to her sweet baby dreams.  As I was rocking her I began to reflect on the grace of God and the second chances He provides.

You see it was not that long ago when those cries from the monitor would cause my heart to skip a beat.  I would feel panicked and completely terrified about entering the nursery to see what was the matter.  Becoming a new mom, experiencing post partum depression and having the most unhappy newborn ever stripped me of whatever confidence I may have had in my abilities.  Every cry struck fear in my heart because I knew what the outcome would be - hours and hours of me not being able to soothe my baby.

Tonight as I was rocking her I realized how far I've come....how far God has brought me...and how far Olivia has come.  I was thinking back to September when we took her on vacation to the beach and how awful it was.  I was thinking of how I spent that vacation trying to make an unhappy baby slightly happy and how when vacation was over and it was time for me to return to work from maternity leave, I was thankful.  Thankful and ashamed.

I had big dreams of not returning to work after maternity leave.  We had worked it out with our finances and I was just waiting to have the baby and make sure it was something I still wanted to do.  I was sure that come September I would realize my dream of being a stay at home mom.  I took care to hire a replacement at work for my leave that I thought would be a good fit permanently.  I even cleaned out my office.  I worked tirelessly before my leave to make sure that when I didn't return as planned that the transition would be smooth.  Well, you know what they say about best laid plans, right?

By the time Olivia was 7 weeks old I had conjured up more irrational thoughts than you can imagine, had to be put on medication and knew I was not going to fulfill my dream.  Making the decision to return to work was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do that I didn't want to do that I knew I needed to do (is your tongue tied yet?!).  Not only did I have to make that decision but also knew that I wasn't even going to make it through 12 weeks of leave as the sole caregiver for my sweet baby girl.  I actually had to hire a part-time caregiver before I even went back to work.  Talk about shame.  I was filled with it. 

But tonight I was reminded again of the love of God and His amazing ways.  Sometimes you have to go through something really hard in order to appreciate it the way you need to.  I don't know if God purposely allowed me to go through what I have or He has just worked it for my good but I can tell you that I find joy in being a mother to Olivia in ways I don't think I would have if it were not for what I've been through.  I appreciate God's grace towards me and see His provision of a second chance at embracing motherhood and treasuring even the cries of my baby in ways I would not had I not been through what I have been.  It's hard to even think this but sometimes I am actually thankful for the hard road for we would never appreciate the easy road had we not walked the hard one.  As a famous poet once wrote "I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference."

Can you believe it is December?

I am flabbergasted to realize that the year is almost over and in a few weeks my baby girl will be 6 months old!  People tell new moms all the time "it goes fast" or "she'll be crawling before you know it".  Well, I can tell you that in the throes of PPD it went slow as molasses and I prayed daily for time to speed up!  Looking back now I realize it did go fast and what seemed like an eternity was just a breath.  It's very healing to have a different perspective now, almost 6 months later, and realize that period didn't last forever and God did see me through.  He is so very faithful!

So, lo and behold Christmas is just around the corner.  Do I have a tree up?  No.  Do I have a stocking for Olivia?  No.  Do I have a plan?  No.  In short, this mama is way behind!  The only thing I can proudly claim is that most of my Christmas shopping is done.  That is a first for me - normally I wait til the last minute because I haven't made it a priority but this year I had an idea and ordered a variation of it for almost everyone on my list which made things rather simple.  I have a large extended family that I like to do a homemade project for each year and just this week I settled on what I'm going to do for that so I'm well on my way to being completely done with the gifts but I have no tree to put them under!  Oh well, I'm not overly worried about it.  Olivia will see plenty of trees and lights even if they are not at her own house! 

I did put up the adorable Little People Nativity Set I got last year when I knew I was pregnant and would want my baby to have his/her very own nativity set.  One of my childhood memories is of having a small tree of my own in my room each year.  I'd like to do that with Olivia but using the nativity scene so I can incorporate the real meaning of Christmas into her bedtime routine as she grows up.

One of the things we also have not done yet is take a Christmas picture for our Christmas cards.  We have had a Christmas dress for Olivia for a while but just have not had a chance to get a photo.  Mark ordered us a new NICE camera this week so we'll probably wait til it arrives to take our photo.  I'm just hoping and praying we get it done in time for me to create and order our cards!  And speaking of that, I'm going to write a whole separate blog post regarding the use of Shutterfly for your Christmas cards so stay tuned!

The little booger is sick....

So many things about being a mom are hard but I think the top two must be not knowing why your baby is crying and seeing your baby sick.  Olivia has been just beside herself for the last several days.  She is always a fussy baby but even she has her limits!  This past weekend was extremely traumatizing.  She screamed, screamed and screamed some more.  She wouldn't eat and then would be starving.  She was incredibly congested but wouldn't let anyone come near her nose.  And the worst of all, she was totally exhausted and would barely sleep.  I knew something was wrong with my baby and not knowing what was hard.

PPD runs the gamut in terms of how it manifests in each person.  For me alot of it is feeling like I'm not good enough, not a good mom.  Feeling like she would be better off without me.  Some of this stems back to issues I've battled for many years thanks to an ex, some of it comes from being a new mom and not knowing any better and some of it is just plain hormones or lack thereof.  Either way, for someone fighting off irrational thoughts it is really hard to have days on end when you can't seem to comfort your baby.

So, today was finally the time to go see the pediatrician.  I knew something was wrong several days ago but without getting into all the details I knew we needed to see a specific pediatrician in our practice so I delayed the visit until he was available.  As usual Olivia was just flirting away with the pediatrician - she is such a funny little girl - and my feelings of failure as a mom were put to bed when he informed us she had an ear infection.  I had begun to suspect that towards the end of our wait but up until the point an actual illness was confirmed the voice in my head was telling me not-so-nice things about my abilities as a mom.  So, the little booger is sick and is starting on antibiotics for 10 days.  Poor baby - but at least now we know what the problem is and can fix it!  And, once again I am reminded that I am a perfectly good mom.

I'm really glad that we got in to see someone today so we can nip this in the bud before Thanksgiving and also because my sweet baby girl is starting daycare next Monday and I'd hate to have to delay her due to illness.  I am so excited about the place we have chosen.  There is a much longer story here but being that this is a public blog I'm just going to skip that part.  The new place will have lots of stimulation for her and lots of communication for me.  I will even be able to watch her live online if I want to!  The location is in our neighborhood and right next to our gym which will also make it convenient to start working out again.  I am really looking forward to a more structured environment for her and one in which I can be more involved.

Weekend Wonders

Is this the sweetest little cow or what?   Olivia had her first Halloween party on Sunday afternoon, hosted and attended by church friends who have babies around the same age.  We dressed her as a cow since Mark loves cows and also in attendence were adorable monkey girl complete with cute tail and VERY sleepy dragon boy!   Dragon boy was born on the same day as Olivia and in the same hospital.  They both have jungle themed nurseries and Daddies with Jeeps!  Monkey girl has beautiful blue eyes and LOVES her carseat!  (Wish she would teach Olivia the joys of the carseat!)

On Saturday morning I noticed that her SECOND tooth had made its appearance!  They are the sweetest little teeth just barely poking out of the gumline.  It's so exciting to see her changing and growing!  What a sweet blessing from God!

Now to switch gears  I want to talk about something more serious.  One of the primary reasons I started blogging was to share my journey through postpartum depression (PPD) in hopes that I might help someone else....a friend or family member who reads this blog or a stranger that just stumbles across it.  I have many embarrassing things in my past and current life but I've always been an "open book" to others because I believe that God uses the 'weak' things to show His strength.  So, with that being explained I'd like to share a little with you today. 

It is so embarrassing to have PPD!  No one talks about it for that very reason.  What mother wants anyone to know she is not blissfully happy about her newborn?  It is devastating to realize that one of the most wonderful things God has ever allowed you to experience is also causing you to become inexplicably saddened, filled with anxiety and thinking completely irrational thoughts.  It is equally embarrassing to have to be put on medication for 6 months to a year in order to deal with those feelings productively.  It's just embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing - there is no way around that but in order to get "better" I need to be open about my journey so that I can get the help I need and do what is best for my family.

So, how do you know when you are getting "better"?  I think it is when you are willing to try "new things" you were too afraid to do before.  For me, one of those things is taking my daughter out for an entire day including being in the car alone with her beyond the 5 minutes it takes to get her to and from her nanny.  Why would that be such a big deal you wonder?  Well, for me it is huge deal because in the early months of Olivia's life I was terrified to go anywhere with her.  She was sooo unhappy and cried all the time.  I could not handle it emotionally so eventually I just stopped trying and stayed at home all day everyday while I was on leave and even since returning to work have not been able to be out with her. 

This weekend I knew that Mark would be busy all day and most of Saturday so I decided it was time to try a "new thing".  In truth I felt afraid to be with my daughter alone all day (that's a "new thing" yet to be accomplished) so I decided I needed reinforcements.  My mom will not drive to Raleigh because she hates traffic so I knew I would have to go to her instead.  First I confirmed that she would be home and then I called my sister-in-law who is wonderful with my baby girl.  She said she could come - yay! - but then I started thinking that two extra people might not be enough so I asked her to bring her mother too!  I was getting an army together to help me with my first "new thing" because I did not want to fail! 

So, Saturday I fed Olivia her first morning bottle, managed to keep her happy until the next bottle and after that we set out on our adventure.  During the one hour drive she did exactly what strikes terror in my heart - screamed the entire way - I thought I was going to die.  But somehow we made it to Rocky Mount and she promptly fell asleep until we pulled up in the driveway.  Whew!  Made it through the first leg of my "new thing"!  There were 4 adults and 1 child total in addition to my girl when we set out to enjoy lunch.  Between all of us we managed to keep her from screaming for a few hours.  We went back home afterwards and my brother also joined our army and we kept her relatively happy for another few hours and then it was time for me to head back to Raleigh.  I climbed in the car knowing the trip home might put me right over the edge and I was right, she screamed for 40 minutes straight (while I tried every music station and noise I could think to make) before she conked out.  My nerves were in pieces but I made it home, got her ready for bed, fed and put her to sleep.  It was rough but I did it - I tried a "new thing" and saw it through to the bitter end!  I'm making progress people....slow as molasses but progress all the same!

Can I tell you how much I love my girl?

How can you not love this face?

At night when Olivia gets her last bottle before bed I rock her for a good 20 minutes after she falls asleep. The infamous Dr. Sears says that 20 minutes is the magical time that ensures babies do not wake back up....sometimes it doesn't work but I'd say most of the time it does!

Anyway....in those 20 minutes I often find myself praying. Last night my prayers were of thanks to God for protecting both Olivia and I during these past 3 months.

I never thought I'd ever say this in my lifetime but I am SO thankful for medication. Until experiencing PPD/PPA I really did not understand people who could not seem to control their emotions and thoughts. As a Christian I figured they just didn't know enough of the Word or they were weak. This experience has helped me to see that sometimes there really is a physiological reason behind someone's inability to get themselves together. I know that the irrational thoughts I had for weeks on end were not "me". Looking back I am just so grateful to God for making sure neither me nor my child were harmed during that time. My sense of hope is beginning to be restored and I am now able to start looking forward to the future and start letting time ease the memory of the past.

Olivia is 3 months old today!

My dear friend told me that her dad always said you just had to make it through the first 90 days with a newborn and then it would all start to get better and I think he may have been right!

If you read my husband's second blog post you know that we have had a rough time with our baby girl. It has been one problem after another but thank God, nothing life threatening or even permanent. I can honestly say though that things seem to be looking up. Her periods of contentment are getting longer each week, she is smiling, talking (aka making cute baby noises) and in general alot happier. She still has very fussy moments and screams fairly regularly but overall, it's getting MUCH better.

And, in correlation I also find myself feeling much better. For those not aware I am one of the 10-15% who have experienced post partum depression (PPD) after giving birth. Specifically I have PPD and post partum anxiety (PPA), both of which began shortly after Olivia's birth. Initially I just thought it was exhaustion and worry over Olivia's weight loss but as time went on and the tears, guilt, irrational thoughts and anxiety did not lessen I realized something more serious was going on. Fortunately OB/GYN's look specifically for this at the 6 week post partum appointment so I didn't even have the bring the issue up myself. I have been on medication since that time and between that and getting back on a schedule with returning to work, I am feeling much better.

It has been a really hard road though and I have learned (and continue to learn) lessons from my experience that I hope to share in future blogs. If sharing my experiences ever helped even one person it would be worth it and on top of that I have found that honesty keeps the devil from coming to your front door!