So many things about being a mom are hard but I think the top two must be not knowing why your baby is crying and seeing your baby sick. Olivia has been just beside herself for the last several days. She is always a fussy baby but even she has her limits! This past weekend was extremely traumatizing. She screamed, screamed and screamed some more. She wouldn't eat and then would be starving. She was incredibly congested but wouldn't let anyone come near her nose. And the worst of all, she was totally exhausted and would barely sleep. I knew something was wrong with my baby and not knowing what was hard.
PPD runs the gamut in terms of how it manifests in each person. For me alot of it is feeling like I'm not good enough, not a good mom. Feeling like she would be better off without me. Some of this stems back to issues I've battled for many years thanks to an ex, some of it comes from being a new mom and not knowing any better and some of it is just plain hormones or lack thereof. Either way, for someone fighting off irrational thoughts it is really hard to have days on end when you can't seem to comfort your baby.
So, today was finally the time to go see the pediatrician. I knew something was wrong several days ago but without getting into all the details I knew we needed to see a specific pediatrician in our practice so I delayed the visit until he was available. As usual Olivia was just flirting away with the pediatrician - she is such a funny little girl - and my feelings of failure as a mom were put to bed when he informed us she had an ear infection. I had begun to suspect that towards the end of our wait but up until the point an actual illness was confirmed the voice in my head was telling me not-so-nice things about my abilities as a mom. So, the little booger is sick and is starting on antibiotics for 10 days. Poor baby - but at least now we know what the problem is and can fix it! And, once again I am reminded that I am a perfectly good mom.
I'm really glad that we got in to see someone today so we can nip this in the bud before Thanksgiving and also because my sweet baby girl is starting daycare next Monday and I'd hate to have to delay her due to illness. I am so excited about the place we have chosen. There is a much longer story here but being that this is a public blog I'm just going to skip that part. The new place will have lots of stimulation for her and lots of communication for me. I will even be able to watch her live online if I want to! The location is in our neighborhood and right next to our gym which will also make it convenient to start working out again. I am really looking forward to a more structured environment for her and one in which I can be more involved.